I wrote this joke/poem a few months back when I was feeling lonely…
Nobody but you!
I felt very alone. Like I was the only one in this place that is supposed to be a relationship. I was the only one showing signs of concern and desires to repair whatever was wrong. I was the only one that wanted to discuss it. I was the only one that noticed there was something different happening…I noticed that I was the only one.
And then…it was alluded to but not specifically spoken…so there I go again noticing things. I noticed that the words were not being spoken but the intent was there. So I said it, “are you saying that we are breaking up?!” Yup.
<Sidebar: No body likes to be the bad guy and if there’s a slew of people that do, I need their contact info. Situations like this stem and spider web because some people, regardless of how strong they think they are, dont have the courage to be the bad guy. Many of these people would rather their peers read the signs along the way or pick up on random hints…or do the dirty work for them. I surmise that this is because no one likes to lose favor or be the one that caused the pain. Sorry folks, we all cause pain. Hurt people hurt other people. Im not saying I agree with it, Im just saying I understand. Sidebar Closed>
The response hit me quickly and I went into defense mode. I didn’t want that to happen. I got afraid. I got upset, and if its humanly possible to feel even more alone…I did. I may have felt so alone, I left myself.
The next few days were blurry and desolate, even with the sun shinning. I searched for some purpose and reason why this was happening to us because we were strong. Holding it down, not perfect but WE were WE.
Sure, were there things that led up to this? Yes absolutely but if I dont know what they are…how do I acknowledge them and know how to respond to them? Better yet, how do WE do this?
And thats when it dawned on me…WE had been absent for a long time even if I didnt see it or want to admit it. I had been broken up with a long time ago. That realization pissed me off and it still pisses me off. Even as I recognize and hold on to the mutual love and respect that created the foundation for WE, Im still pissed off about it. Why!? Because I realized that I was the only one having trouble with the state of affairs because I was the only one still there. I had been abandoned a long time ago. And whats event more infuriating because I had been asking…checking…offering myself…constantly running out on to that limb putting myself out there repeatedly.
Let’s go out. Let me take you to dinner. Do we need to talk to someone. Are you okay? Whats wrong? Are you depressed? How can I help? Do you not like or love me anymore? Are you not attracted to me anymore?
<Sidebar: I’m long passed being too proud to say that I need help and because Im not ashamed of this, Im not ashamed of asking those I love if they need help. Newsflash to me…this is me, not everyone else so some people could be down and out, on their last leg and would NEVER tell anyone they needed help nor would they take it if it was offered. Sidebar Closed>
All yes or no questions that were either unanswered or answered in the un-affirmative so I trudged on thinking that it was a rough patch that relationships experience. I chalked it up to inevitable change and I pressed forward.
I dont give up easily, Ive always been the type to make an effort to fix what I know is broken. I dont just walk away from it but I heard my momma’s voice in the distance, “everybody isnt like you, everybody wont do what you would do”, She used to say this all of the time but apparently not often enough or when I needed to hear it.
So here I am reeling in and out of my own private hell. Wanting my relationship back but knowing at the moment it doesnt exist or what semblance of it that does exist is not the one Im accustomed to.
Agreeing that the friendship is the most important piece that WE have between us but knowing that its not an easy transition. I dont have an emotional dial or switch to calibrate the way I feel in the moment.
And again…this is whats really eating at me. I feel like Im the only one dealing with it this way because I was the only one thinking that it was something that it wasnt.
I feel like a fucking fool. Im standing in the mirror looking at myself and thinking…”you damn fool! that’s your problem, you wait for other people tell you what time it is when you’re wearing a watch. WTF!? is wrong with you?” I trusted someone else to do what I could have done but didnt.
I trust people. There’s no such thing as having to earn my trust. I dont understand people who say their trust has to be earned as an initial situation. I get having to earn it back if its been lost or taken advantage of but earn your trust upfront?…how or why? If I’m a stranger to you, what can I do to earn your trust? You dont know me. So in reality…we all trust upfront, its like a greeting. Most people say hello until they are given a reason not to do so…thats how my trust is, I trust people until they give me a reason not to.
Which is not really a fair arrangement to be honest…here I am trusting people all willy nilly and they dont even know it. They dont even know that they have this responsibility. Still I have given it to them and if you’re wondering not everyone gets this arrangement. Only people I care about (which isnt many) are under such a clause. But I trusted someone to do something for me that I could do myself. I had just as much of an opportunity to breakup and move but I didnt. I still wanted the relationship and I still do but for lack of better words and being cliche, I know this process must occur. Its a cyclical evolution that I must experience because its a part of growing as a person. I cant just snap my fingers and act like it never happened because something led to this point. I may not know exactly what that something or somethings are but I know that I have to search for them independently.
I hopeful that this transition makes us both better for ourselves as well each other. Everyone has to take responsibility for their own pleasure, pain, and turmoil in life. We are solely responsible for recognizing those instances or surrounding ourselves with people that will point it out and help us correct it.
I dont hear my momma’s voice as much as I used to but I hope that I can recall it when I need it most because part of me owning my own shit is also accepting that everyone isnt like me and wont do what I would do even if I would do it for them.
So as the days go on and I waft in and out of different emotions, I’m praying for peace and fortitude along the way.